.012

I feel so under pressure. I feel pressure to prove so many people wrong, and pressure to fit in, be the "ideal image" that I'm supposed to be. It's even harder when this pressure is coming from friends and family. A part of me says fuck their judgement, fuck their standards, but another part of me wants to be accepted so badly that I would change myself to fit for them. It's driving me insane. 

.011

Today was some what of a roller coaster day, the morning was alright, I like math because of Stefanie and Allison, they make me laugh, English? My teacher isn't the brightest crayon in the box, in fact, she's not even a color, or a shade, she's just dull. All afternoon I felt like crying, I had to cancel my guidance appointment because I couldn't legit tell my friend I had some issues to sort out, so I lied and said I'd chill with her during spare instead. The only thing that truly cheered me up was hanging out with my second mom. She understands everything that I tell her, unlike my actual mom. I felt relieved after telling her about everything that's going on. In fact, I've decided I'm ready to stop missing you, because we tried it, and it didn't work, and I can live with that. It's hard to let go, but as soon as I do, I will be better then ever before.

Oh yes, and I'm getting my nose pierced! 

=)

.010

I'm feeling very nostalgic today, I'm going back to the times that seemed so trivial back then, but they some how impacted me to this very day. Like grade eight Quebec Trip, it saved my life, literally. Not to mention I created such powerful friendships - JG, MP, KS, AZ, BS, EE. Some faded, as most friendships do, but I still love all of these people, they have the greatest intentions out of anyone I know. How about Grade Seven, Koraluck Cafe? I even forget how to spell her name, four years is a long time. I never knew girls could be so clicky. Grade nine - The creation and destruction of relationships. Grade ten, the forming of my real life. Real friends. Real love. Real adventures. God, Hunkulese & Zeus, Stefanie's birthday, Tobogganing, Mc dicks, Winter break, heart break, alcohol poisoning, failed courses, fights, hookups, break ups, no friends, best friends, fruii + teet, gym class, Weeds Cafe, gained trust, broken trust, jealousy, happiness, laughter, tears, life.

I love you.

.009

I hate you.

.008

I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep... 

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
Isn't enough
And I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And I wish to feel smaller under your hands, 
Though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
Down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As you lift up my shirt after asking politely.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.

And I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
And I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

Is gonna tear mine away

.007

Lora Curran,

I miss you every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. I just want you to come home, so we can corrupt every "straight-edge" kid in our school. And go on adventures in confed, then come back and go to sunny mart, where the asians always know we're baked, because we grab like every item we can... At least get your phone set up properly so we can talk on it, I haven't heard your voice in so long and it's killing me. I don't think we've ever gone this long. I just need to talk to you, and tell you every things going to be alright, and that you'll learn to love your new home, and I'll learn to love my home without you in it. 

Honestly, friends are important because they are the family you get to choose. They are the ones you trust, admire, the ones you laugh with, cry with, drink with, blaze with, even fight with. But at the end of the day, they've got your back, always. And if they don't, fuck them. Because they're not worth it. I have been through so many bull shit friendships over the years, but you have never once left my side, not once. 

You're my family Lora, and I love you.

.006

I am a user, I am an abuser. I use and use and use, because that has become my emotional crutch. For the past 10 months of my life, I have gone through things that no one should ever have to go through, felt pain no one should ever feel, laughed harder then anyone else should ever laugh, cried more than humanly possible, and lost something every day. I started using for excitement, for adventure, now I use because reality sucks and I can't deal with it. The sad thing is, is that I know that it's a problem, I know that I'm masking all the pain, but I have no drive to stop. None. I abuse. I abuse because I miss people, I abuse because the mistakes that I have made, I abuse because there is no one to talk to. I abuse for that one moment of happiness. 

But is it ever really worth it?