.012

I feel so under pressure. I feel pressure to prove so many people wrong, and pressure to fit in, be the "ideal image" that I'm supposed to be. It's even harder when this pressure is coming from friends and family. A part of me says fuck their judgement, fuck their standards, but another part of me wants to be accepted so badly that I would change myself to fit for them. It's driving me insane. 

.011

Today was some what of a roller coaster day, the morning was alright, I like math because of Stefanie and Allison, they make me laugh, English? My teacher isn't the brightest crayon in the box, in fact, she's not even a color, or a shade, she's just dull. All afternoon I felt like crying, I had to cancel my guidance appointment because I couldn't legit tell my friend I had some issues to sort out, so I lied and said I'd chill with her during spare instead. The only thing that truly cheered me up was hanging out with my second mom. She understands everything that I tell her, unlike my actual mom. I felt relieved after telling her about everything that's going on. In fact, I've decided I'm ready to stop missing you, because we tried it, and it didn't work, and I can live with that. It's hard to let go, but as soon as I do, I will be better then ever before.

Oh yes, and I'm getting my nose pierced! 

=)

.010

I'm feeling very nostalgic today, I'm going back to the times that seemed so trivial back then, but they some how impacted me to this very day. Like grade eight Quebec Trip, it saved my life, literally. Not to mention I created such powerful friendships - JG, MP, KS, AZ, BS, EE. Some faded, as most friendships do, but I still love all of these people, they have the greatest intentions out of anyone I know. How about Grade Seven, Koraluck Cafe? I even forget how to spell her name, four years is a long time. I never knew girls could be so clicky. Grade nine - The creation and destruction of relationships. Grade ten, the forming of my real life. Real friends. Real love. Real adventures. God, Hunkulese & Zeus, Stefanie's birthday, Tobogganing, Mc dicks, Winter break, heart break, alcohol poisoning, failed courses, fights, hookups, break ups, no friends, best friends, fruii + teet, gym class, Weeds Cafe, gained trust, broken trust, jealousy, happiness, laughter, tears, life.

I love you.

.009

I hate you.

.008

I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep... 

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
Isn't enough
And I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And I wish to feel smaller under your hands, 
Though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
Down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As you lift up my shirt after asking politely.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.

And I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
And I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

Is gonna tear mine away

.007

Lora Curran,

I miss you every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. I just want you to come home, so we can corrupt every "straight-edge" kid in our school. And go on adventures in confed, then come back and go to sunny mart, where the asians always know we're baked, because we grab like every item we can... At least get your phone set up properly so we can talk on it, I haven't heard your voice in so long and it's killing me. I don't think we've ever gone this long. I just need to talk to you, and tell you every things going to be alright, and that you'll learn to love your new home, and I'll learn to love my home without you in it. 

Honestly, friends are important because they are the family you get to choose. They are the ones you trust, admire, the ones you laugh with, cry with, drink with, blaze with, even fight with. But at the end of the day, they've got your back, always. And if they don't, fuck them. Because they're not worth it. I have been through so many bull shit friendships over the years, but you have never once left my side, not once. 

You're my family Lora, and I love you.

.006

I am a user, I am an abuser. I use and use and use, because that has become my emotional crutch. For the past 10 months of my life, I have gone through things that no one should ever have to go through, felt pain no one should ever feel, laughed harder then anyone else should ever laugh, cried more than humanly possible, and lost something every day. I started using for excitement, for adventure, now I use because reality sucks and I can't deal with it. The sad thing is, is that I know that it's a problem, I know that I'm masking all the pain, but I have no drive to stop. None. I abuse. I abuse because I miss people, I abuse because the mistakes that I have made, I abuse because there is no one to talk to. I abuse for that one moment of happiness. 

But is it ever really worth it?

.005

Why is it that when something ends, we refuse to believe it? Is it because we are scared? Scared that another chapter of our lives has ended? Scared that something we've put so much time, effort and love into is now gone? Or scared that our safety net is no longer there? Maybe we are scared, maybe the whole world is consumed in fear. Fear of failure, fear of death, fear of love, fear of LIFE. 

I can't continue to fear life, I can't continue to fear you.

Maybe this chapter has ended for an amazing purpose, maybe it ended to show me that I deserve so much more, I am meant for so much more then this fear.

.004

GOD DAMN. Have you ever just had one of those days where all you want to do is scream and cry? That is me today. I feel like everything in the world that I know has just been turned upside down, and I don't know how to re attach the pieces. I wish I could have my twin back, the way things were with him, before we screwed each other over about 3947374 times. And I wish I could have my summer boy back, because he's making my life living hell right now, he won't give me the time of day, so- I'm sorry I'm far from being a perfect girlfriend, but I want to make this friendship work, so, please try. I'm asking for a second chance, you should at least give me that much. I really miss Jillian and Lora, they are my loves, I trust them with my life, because I know that throughout everything, they haven't left me, and they wont leave me anytime soon. My rents are getting on my nerves lately, never giving me peace, so my only sanity? A boy I like to call CB, he's heaven on earth.

.003

Do you remember when we first met? Rosy cheeks, warm breath, cold hands, frozen eye lashes? Do you remember my house, where we sat on the couch, trying to hold back our laughter? Or do you remember my kitchen, where we got into trouble for taking too long to get the cookies? I remember, I remember trying to resent you for taking me away, I remember your smell, your laugh, your warmth, and I remember the way you looked at me when you told me "no one should ever hurt you." I remember thinking we were meant to fit, we were going to go far, be the ones who everyone envied, be best friends. 

I miss the way you looked at me, and I miss the way you would gently touch my cheek while removing my wild hair from my face. I miss the way you trusted me, and we were both too naive to care. 

Whenever I hear my phone beep under my pillow at night, I think it's you, like the way it used to be, when we'd talk into the early hours of the morning, until we both passed out, or I needed my beauty sleep. You never forgot to say goodnight.

.002

Hello, my name is Haylie Elizabeth Logan Smith. And I most definitely just copied that opening line from my friend Jillian. I rarely ever say "Hi", I think "Hi" is one of those words people use when they really don't want to talk to you, I know for a fact that I say "Hi" when I am clearly not interested in talking to someone. Well, anyways, I am sixteen years old, and I have lived in Calgary, AB my whole life. Not entirely the most interesting place in the world, but I think it's considerably close to being described as "home". I always believe home is where the heart is, which I realize sounds really ridiculous, but it's true, and my heart has never once belonged here. It belongs with people here of course, but not with the city itself.

I really like tea, music, art, writing, "chran", soccer, best friends, saturday mornings, saturday nights, weekends in general, reading, conversationalists, facebook, folk fest, and smelly erasers. 

I really don't like veins, spiders, heights, corn fields, clowns, lady bugs, dolls and liars. 

Let's see, I can't really say I have a best friend, which in general, sounds like the most depressing thing, because in theory, EVERYONE should have a best friend. Truth be told, I am not EVERYONE, I am me, and I don't mind not having a best friend, because I have some great friends that I can count on anyways. On that note, I don't think it should be okay for people to be judged, or defined by who they are friends with. I am only saying this because I have a wide range of friends, they go from one extreme to the other, so, where does that leave me? Yes, I am judged for hanging out with the "wrong" crowd, but in my eyes, they aren't wrong, they're simply teenagers expressing their way of fun. They however, don't exactly approve of my other friends, who are equally expressive, but in a different way. So how can you really say there's a right and wrong? There isn't. I'm not trying to tell everyone to stop judging and to get a long, but I think if people just understood the other side, they'd accept diversity more. 

School sucks. Plain and simple. Grade ten? It was a blast, I can't imagine spending it any other way then with my new friends, only now, in grade eleven, they don't seem like very great friends. I'm not going to lie, I made some amazing friends last year, including two of which have left me this year, and one I can't even talk to because we fight so much. Every goal I had placed for grade ten, I achieved, sadly enough, none of them were academic. But now that I have everything I've ever wanted, I have my doubts that it was really worth it. Now this years a lot harder, I have to work to gain people's trust back that I lost, and I have to rebuild bridges that I burned. That's also another thing I do, I burn bridges, all the time.

.001

! It's so hot in my house I'm almost sweating

@ You're so immature, grow up so that we can try and be friends

# You frustrate me very much, I wish we could turn back the clock

$ Coraline scared the living daylights out of me

% This whole thing with you two is freaking me out

Anyways, I pretty much created this for the lovely Jillian Gibbs, whom is now at stupid effing Central. This is also for Lora Curran, whom is now living in Blind Bay, BC. Now where does that leave me? Stranded at Abe. Maybe that should've been my blog name, stranded. High School is lame, most definitely, I wish I could just grow up, and get a job, and have a car, and $$$, so I could buy myself some nice clothes. Like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City.